Dipti Rane - Mumbai, Maharashtra

 

Today I want to share with you, my story of personal change, this change was gradual and it took some time to show up. In the beginning, knowing me was a challenge because what we appear externally is not what we actually are. The powerful question

• Who am I?
• It really shook me and made me to take a deep dive within, to know how filthy and dirty I was from inside. The process of quiet time made me realize that I do 'make up' to look  presentable and good but there is a lot of internal 'make up' needed to become a good human being.

Initially, for me quiet time was never a regular feature, I would do it when I was disturbed, felt low or was looking for some answers, but later as I started understanding the importance of it in my life I made it a strict regime, today quiet time is an integral part of my routine. Quiet time gives me peace. I feel I have come across my best friend and confided things in her and also asked for solutions.

I used to feel very jealous of people when they would perform better than me, when people would deserve a pat on their backs and when they would deserve appreciation from others. This feeling of jealousy filled my mind with contaminated thoughts for them. I would never think or speak well about them and I would try to perform better, only because I wanted to show them down but never with a healthy feeling to explore my potential or to give my best. Later, I started realizing that this feeling of jealousy only takes me away from people and that my mind was getting filthier with unwanted thoughts. Today I look at such people with reverence; I look at them as an inspiration and try to imbibe their good values and qualities in myself. I want to replicate those good achievements. Now even when I perform or deliver work better than them, it is only with an intention to give my best and to work to the fullest of my ability. Now I compete with myself and want to better my best but it is never with a feeling of jealousy. I thank my inner guidance to help me overcome this destructive feeling.

I do not show up anger quite often, but once in a while when I did  lose my temper I had no control over my emotions and my words were capable enough to tear a person apart, also whenever I got frustrated and, my frustration outlet was my mother. Even if something had happened outside I would come and burst out everything on her and poor thing, my mom would listen to everything silently. I was taking my mom for granted. She would always tell me that a person should be patient, tolerant and humble but her words would always fall on deaf ears. Rather, I had the audacity to tell her that because she was my very own. I did this with her but not with the outsiders. Gradually I realized that I am not doing good by hurting people with my words and actions, my conscious told me that anger is a sign of less tolerance and that I do not realize what I speak, with whom I speak and how I speak, my conscious told me that I may erupt like a volcano but words are like arrows, once released they shall never come back and in the bargain I may lose a person forever. I realized the importance that each person who comes in our life comes with a purpose – some give us experience, some teach a lesson, and some give happiness. I just need to learn and move forward. Also pondering upon my mom’s words, I felt that this nature of mine will only make me lose relations. So I started working over it consciously. Now even when I am too angry, I prefer to remain quiet and to remain with myself. I don’t speak with anybody nor do I attend phone calls, even if my mom or somebody else comes to speak, I request them to speak to me later but not at that moment. Later as I calm down, I walk up to or give a call to the concerned person who annoyed me and tell him/her what had annoyed me and that I would appreciate it if it were not repeated again. But I make sure that I filter my words while speaking. This prevents me from hurting and loosing relations.

Due to my laziness I have lost a lot of quality time in life. I was habitual to postpone my work and say I would do it "tomorrow" but my "tomorrow" never came and the result was heaps of work on my table. Then I would do things, half-heartedly, in a great hurry and muddle with little concentration.  I started understanding that time wasted is life wasted and in order to overcome this I started making my 'to do' list for the next day before going to bed - be it my household work, my personal work or my office work. Next day before resigning to sleep I check my previous nights to do list and see the work I have done and ensure that I do not sleep until my work on the 'to - do list' is completed. This practice has helped me manage time also and do things in a timely manner. I use my time meaningfully and practicing it daily made me punctual. I reach places at least 5 to 6 minutes before time and do not keep others waiting.

I had an addiction for tea. Tea was my weakness. I would feel it refreshes me and gives me a kind of enthusiasm to do my work.   I would drink at least 10 to 11 cups in a day. If I had to go out in the afternoon I would skip my meal but not forget to have at least 2 cups of tea before I leave. My addiction was to an extent that I could have tea in the night at 11 o’ clock also. My friends knew this habit of mine so they started calling me diptea. I could live without food but not without tea, but now it’s been two months in which I have made a conscious effort to cut do